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Time:09:02 pm
So I've very rarely had any stress issues. Most of the times I've been stressed have been posted here. This page really is just for my venting. Lately those stress issues have cropped up again and compounding.

My girlfriend wants more from me than I can provide; and I provide an awful lot already. It seems like she wants me to fuck her like a porn star (all the time too), be her support financially and emotionally, comfort her constantly, be an amazing dad (kind of impossible as a girl) to her child, work less hours so I can spend more time with them, do more around the house, be romantic, etc.

Now for a normal couple this wouldn't be too much of an issue, right? The issue here is that she doesn't expect to do anything in return. I have to initiate all forms of intimacy (both sexual and non), be the one to woo her, be sole financial provider for the household, etc. I'm not a man. I've never claimed to be a man. And honestly, I never expected a man to be able to provide all of that for me. I expect my partner to be able to meet me at least part of the way. So I told her that I'm not going to be able to do all that for her. I left initiating sex up to her, since she has the greater libido.

So we don't ever have sex.

I could deal with that. It's not that great an issue. But until I see that my affections aren't being completely wasted on an unconcerned partner, I'm gonna be getting a little irritated. Especially since I've been working my ass off forever now. I gave her roses, kissed her constantly, tried to cuddle, little physical signs of intimacy, teased her with sexual fantasies, left her notes saying how wonderful and amazing and beautiful she was, did everything I could to show her that I was at least interested in her.

She's left me a single note saying "thank you for everything you've done for us" and will give me a quick peck goodbye for work.

I'm not stupid. I know when I'm not wanted for more than sex and stability. They're apparently the only things I can offer a person. I'm not worth having around for more than that. At least according to others.

I'm fed up. And when she said yesterday, "I feel like you hate us, that we just make you angry and irritated, and I don't know what to do to change that," I felt like screaming.

So I come home (ha!) to an empty apartment and no note, my cellphone missing as usual (since she monopolizes it), I wanted to scream and throw things like the damn five year-old I live with. This isn't my house. This isn't my family. I've tried so very hard to make it mine, and it's just not working. And the worst is that I don't even have my security deposit back from the last place yet, so I don't have anywhere else to go.

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Time:08:25 am
As usual, I'm posting an entry because my life is shit right now.

Let's start at the beginning, shall we? It started about a year ago. It was October 2009, and I was offered to house-sit my friend's house for three years. That went the way of all meat though, as I knew it would. A little more than six months into it I was told they would be moving back at the end of the school year. They couldn't take the stress of running two households, even though I was taking care of most of the house and still supplementing their income.

It's cool though. I can understand that they didn't like having someone living in their house without them there. I'm a friend of the family, but not PART of the family, you know? So I get it. I tried to get out of their hair as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, that meant looking for another place to live. Only, every place I was looking at was out of my price range. I wasn't getting enough hours to safely cover the expenses. I started getting scared I would have to move back in with mom. I really couldn't do that.

It was about that time I started hanging out with a new friend of mine more often. Her and I would just hang out and watch movies all night when I had a day off, and then I'd drive back home to sleep. It was nice, having a friend who I could just shoot the shit with.

After a while I was like, "No really, if I stay any longer I'm going to end up falling asleep while driving." Next thing I know, I'm staying over and leaving when I get up. I'd help her get ready for work, just kind of hang out a little, and when she left I'd leave.

She ended up getting some roommates to help with the bills and to help them get out of a cruddy situation, so the next time we hung out I ended up sleeping in her bed with her. It was comfortable, so we just kept doing it. Both of us were stressed, so we hung out more and more often. Before I know it, I'm moving in with her. We all got along pretty well, so it worked out alright.

Only thing was, her friends were becoming sloppier and sloppier. Now Abbi didn't exactly live in a museum, so it wasn't so bad at first. But despite being kind of cluttered and a little messy, it wasn't a slum. That changed with her new roommates. I kept my stuff to a little corner of her room, moderately neatly, and if I moved any of her stuff I'd let her know. Usually by note. It worked pretty well.

Except her other roommates weren't so considerate. They would wake her practically every day for a ride (something I was firmly against, since she worked a late second shift), and that started bugging her. She doesn't really let people know how much she hates something until it piles up. So I let them know for her. I told them that if they wanted a ride that early in the morning and I was available, I'd give them one. Not all the time, mind you, but once in a while. After all, they had two legs, they could walk. Their jobs certainly weren't far away.

I used to walk, at that point, five miles a day. Half a mile uphill was nothing (and it was, 'cause I could get my car towed to mom's house for the base rate at $75 for a half mile). I asked them if they could do dishes or just pick up the living room a bit (even though it was their bedroom, we still wanted it to function as a living room. You couldn't even sit on the couch anymore). They kept putting it off. Did I mention that instead of paying Abbi rent money, they just kept trying to further one of the roommates' non-existent music career? Yeah. Cleaning up a little bit is absolutely acceptable for living in a place rent free while still working.

It was bugging me by that point how much they were taking advantage of her hospitality. Here she was, letting them stay for free, giving them rides just about every day, while still working 50 hours a week, and they were just free-loading. Admittedly, I didn't pay rent either. But I offered, and I took care of the groceries, and I cooked her meals, and I made sure she was at least moderately healthy. And whenever I could, I'd clean up a little. Just the kitchen area and the bathroom, mostly. The living room was the other roommates' area and I wouldn't touch the bedroom because that was Abbi's area.

So when we started talking about all moving into an apartment together, with two bedrooms instead of one, I made sure some ground rules were laid down. We were all to make a list of things we wanted changed about the dynamics of the new household. Come up with rules for cleaning, cooking, groceries, etc. Wasn't difficult, with four of us. We could distribute chores thinly.

Two weeks before I was due to take a week off, I let them know that I wanted the living room cleaned. We were due to leave in a month and a half and we wanted to clean the house and paint the walls. Not an unreasonable demand when we'd been talking about it for months. Literally MONTHS of talking about cleaning with nothing done. I told them I would be taking care of the kitchen, the hallway, and the bathroom. This was half the apartment. The living room took up a quarter of the apartment. There were two of them. THEY ONLY WORKED 10-20 HOURS A WEEK! AT MCDONALDS AND FAMILY DOLLAR! This was unacceptable.

The next day, I come home to pizza boxes left everywhere and a stack of brand new movies next to the tv. They were sleeping. I was bitchy, but I didn't wake them to hound them about it. I simply went in to Abbi's room and took a nap. When I woke up they were gone and the mess remained. I had given them a week to clean the living room. A normal person would go, okay, we'll get a little done each day. No. Not the case. Three days went by without any word from them (and they were conspicuously absent for these days) and then finally Abbi confronts them when they come back for some stuff. Apparently they didn't like the tone I took with them when I ordered them to clean the living room.

Yes, I was angry. I had every right to be. We'd all been saying how much it needed doing, they fully agreed, we'd talked about it beforehand, and yet when I tell them that they should definitely do it I'm suddenly the bad guy. 'Kay. Get your shit and get out.

At least, that's what I wanted to say. Had it been my apartment, I would have. I talked with Abbi, and she agreed that's what she wanted to say as well. Thing was, she still wanted to be friends with them. I guess I can understand that. So she didn't want to just kick them out. Abbi talked with them about it later the next day and they admit they'd been offered a room with some friends.

Well, I figured now they'd HAVE to clean up their mess. After all, they have to pack up their shit. Only days passed and my vacation came. The vacation I was taking so we could clean, pack, and repaint the apartment. They didn't come back for their stuff or their cat. The first three days of my vacation were spent packing their shit and cleaning the living room top to bottom. I got so stressed I fell ill with an upper-respiratory infection. It didn't help that the bathroom ceiling tile caved in and the apartment was swiftly filling with black mold spores.

Anyway, long story short (too late), Abbi and I moved into a new apartment. We loved it there. It wasn't perfect, but it was the closest to home either of us had in a long time.

Abbi started getting stressed over work. Easy enough to do when they're demanding 60 hour weeks, mandatory weekends, pushing you to do the jobs of three people at once and bitching at you for not going fast enough. We were pretty well afloat financially, which was nice. We lived well. But my car was fully broken down, and BJ's was treating me like shit, and we couldn't always share the car. Next thing I know, I'm getting a text from Abbi saying she's been in an accident and she's in the hospital. Come to find out she'd blacked out behind the wheel and hit a cement barrier. Her car was totaled.

Thankfully for her, we lived pretty close to her work. She tried to make it in, but they told her to go home. When the doctor told her she shouldn't work until she found out what was causing the blackouts, they absolutely wouldn't let her back. Problem was, she couldn't get a "proper" doctor's note for them and they refused to fire her. So for two months we were living off what we'd saved up and practically all of my paycheck. Not terrible, but not ideal. Abbi started talking about how she might move in with her mom because she didn't want to owe me or anything. I had been making enough money at the time for us to be alright, but if she was going to leave there was no reason for me to stay. I certainly wasn't going to have a two bedroom apartment all to myself.

So we made plans to go our separate ways. I decided to move to Florida, just until I could get on my feet. I wanted a better job, and to further my education. She wanted to travel. I felt that moving to Florida would enable us both to get what we wanted in the long run: an RV and a solid way to make money while traveling.

I've been down here for three months now. My ID never came in the mail after I renewed it, Shilo hasn't found a job, I haven't found a job, I can't get a job without ID, Shilo fights with her now ex-girlfriend constantly, and I just had to put one of my cats to sleep because he was dying of kidney failure.

It's been a stressful time. It makes me almost miss BJ's. Almost.

Did I mention Abbi's in a psych ward right now? Yeah, probably forgot that part.

Fuck My Life.

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Time:12:23 am
That's right: it's 2012! Some may say it's the end of the world, others would say it's just another year. Know what I say? I say, "It's time to party!"

This year is going to be different. I'm going to try and keep a good outlook on life and work harder toward my goals. Hopefully I'll get into college. I'm going to get my license renewed. I'm going to try and get back into shape (despite having lost so much weight over the holidays).

But most of all? I'm going to eat these delicious chocolate and yogurt covered raisins in my lap.

On a completely unrelated note I just watched the new years being celebrated in Tokyo. Next year I'm totally going to be releasing a helium balloon in the air. Or perhaps a lantern, if it's allowed wherever I am.

So, happy new years to everyone! Make sure you don't overdo the drinking and such. May your hangover be subtle.

Much love,
Taisuki_Sakura ~*
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Subject:Moved to Florida
Time:11:31 pm
Sorry I haven't been on in a while. Been busy and had no internet.
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Subject:Writer's Block: Universally speaking
Time:05:00 pm
If you could have a conversation with any animal in the world, living or dead (such as a childhood pet), which animal would you choose?

My familiar, Lacey. Then I could ask her if she forgave me.
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Subject:Writer's Block: 10 Years From Now
Time:11:16 pm
Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?

Well, I would like to be working a steady job as a translator, with my own home and perhaps one adopted child.

Realistically, with the way everything's going now? Probably still working a job I don't like, struggling to survive, and suicidal. But let's hope for a brighter future, yeah?
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Subject:Writer's Block: Drink up me hearties!
Time:09:10 am
What would your pirate name be, and why would you be the most feared buccaneer on the seven seas?

Miss Fortune the Heartless at your service, loves. I be the siren that pulls you in, only to steal yer life away. Watch the seas and the skies; nowhere be safe.
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Time:07:22 pm
Remember Casper? Ebony's showing the same symptoms as Casper was in those last few weeks. I've suspected it for a while now, but I just noticed her chin.

Mom's going to have to put her to sleep soon. I kept telling her she smelled like Casper, but she wouldn't listen. Now Ebony's got the thickened saliva thing going on, and the lethargy, and the need for affection that Casper was displaying.

I give her three weeks, if she holds on as much as Casper did. She's got the will for it. We'll see.

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Current Location:Living Room
Subject:Relationships are too complicated.
Time:02:32 pm
Current Mood:lonelylonely
I'm finally admitting it. I didn't want to before, but it's pretty difficult to just ignore.

I'm in love with a straight girl. She's cute, and quirky, and complex. I enjoy being around her even when she's taking over my computer (something I don't just let anyone do). I go out of my way to make sure she's happy (including changing my shampoo to Herbal Essences' Coconut and Orchid because she likes coconuts a few months back). I try to find more things for us to do together because I like spending time with her. Hell, I'm even trying to become more financially mature to show her subtly that I'm not completely dependent on others.

I'm careful not to let it show too much that I want to be with her. I don't shove it in her face that I'm gay, I don't push it when she says she's straight, have never asked her out because it would make the relationship awkward, and I'm careful not to get too clingy.

Last night was tough, though. We were lying in bed together (I was spending the night at her house), just talking about past experiences and sex (not entirely sure what prompted such a conversation). I told her about the little I'd done and she told me about the bit of kissing and making out she'd done. It was nice to be able to talk about these things without it feeling awkward. I'm generally pretty open about myself (to the point where it should make others uncomfortable), so I'm pretty good at keeping the atmosphere light when talking about irregular and weird topics.

Then she poked me in the side lightly (which is one of my two or three ticklish areas) and notice I squirmed a little. Now, she constantly tries to tickle me because she's really ticklish and I'm not. She's always trying to get me to laugh, 'cause she thinks I think she's boring or annoying or something (the complete opposite, and a notion I've tried repeatedly tried to rid her of). So then she tickles me a little and I squirm and laugh, and then we just go back to lying there and talking. I tell her about how I don't generally tickle anyone or respond to being tickled because people don't do it right and tickling will forever be considered sexual for me (a mild hint, one of many I drop to her). We get into this big long conversation and in my head I'm just thinking to myself, 'I love her so much. I haven't felt this comfortable with someone in a long time. I wish we could just be like this forever. I wish she could see that being in a relationship with a girl doesn't necessarily have to be all about sex. I wish she could think about this relationship and what it might be like to just be a little more intimate with each other. I want to hold her, be able to just touch her without either of us wondering if it's more than what it is.'

The only way I was able to keep from crying was by whispering silently to myself that I was in love with her, and she would never feel the same. I could live with our relationship as it is, because I think it would kill me to have anything less. And to ask for more would be to put that little I have on the line, and I can't. I just can't.

You know what I usually ask myself, if I start feeling something for someone? Would I still feel this way if they went away? Would it shatter me to have them leave? Could I live without them? Could I just fall for someone else and forget about this feeling?

I don't get crushes. I don't fall in love. Generally it's either indifference or friendship. I want to show her that I really do care, that we could have a future together. Logically speaking, we'd either make a terrible couple or a wonderful one. As she's completely unwilling to think about a relationship at all, it's a non-existent one.

I can live with that. Just remind me that it would ruin everything when I feel like I can't control myself, please. I'd never had my restraint tested so much as last night.

Why can't I just hold the girl I love?

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Time:08:03 pm
Alright, I'm admitting it: I'm depressed. Fuck, I... I'm coming out with it. I've been depressed for longer than I'd care to admit. I don't even know how long. The depression breaks occasionally, and then I'm suddenly all happy and fun for a day. Then just like before, I'm wallowing in a pit of despair.

I don't know why I'm depressed. Maybe because I want someone, just like everyone else seems to. It's gotten to the point where I'm eying dating ads speculatively. I want a girlfriend (or boyfriend, if they're the right kind of guy, I guess), and I want that happy, sweet, sugar-melting relationship that everyone else has.

Hell, at this point, I'd take just about anyone (except Mike. No offense, guy, but you're a little too perverted, even for me).

On top of that, all my friends are either busy at college or busy with work. Kevin wants to hang out at the absolute worst times, and Britney hangs out with me all the time, but we always either do everything she wants to do or everything I want to do, and hardly anything we both want to do. We have such different tastes...

This was of course prompted by "changes in plans".

We were at work, doing the things we do, when Britney decided she wanted us to hang out after work. She got out at seven, and I have the day off tomorrow, so it was cool. Then she saw Kevin and suddenly we should all hang out, since we haven't done that in a while (I'll admit, I kinda just wanted to hog Britney all to myself). Kevin had apparently made plans to hang out with his friend James and we all decided to go to the Red Apple in Concord.

So Kevin gave me a ride home, then went to go pick up James. James was apparently sloshed off his ass, and Kevin decided to just up and go with James to the Red Apple and he'd meet us there. Britney already said she wanted us all to go in one car, 'cause her car kinda sucks in this weather and Kevin likes to drive anyway.

So I call up Britney, tell her the news, and she says that we should just ditch 'em like they did with us and find some local chinese place. Fine by me, I get tired of Kevin really quickly.

Ten minutes later, she calls back saying that her mom wants her home 'cause family dropped in unexpectedly and she doesn't want to disappoint them. Cool, whatever. I understand.

Doesn't mean I'm happy about it.

That just means that I'm sitting home alone while mom snores away in the kitchen, hungry, tired, depressed, and lonely.

...I'm...really lonely. I miss my friends. I barely talk to them because I can't stand knowing they're so far away and that they've got other things to do. It always makes me really happy to hear from them, but before I know it life's in the way again. I miss the days where we could just hang out for hours or days even without problems. I miss not having so many responsibilities. I miss being a kid.

I want my friends back. It's selfish and stupid and it makes me feel like a fucking two year-old. Doesn't make me want it any less.

Mom and I bitch constantly because she's always around and I'm too fucking depressed to do anything except work and come home to fucking fanfics. I'm tired of ready trashy romance, and badly-written smut. I want someone I can come home to, someone who'll ask me how my day went, who'll wonder why I've been so snippy lately, who actually gives a damn about whether I eat or not.

I just want someone to be there. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm always fucking alone. Everyone else goes on dates and makes connections. There are no girls who are interested and no guys who can see beyond the freaking mask.

I'm not just like the guys with a pair of tits. Yeah, I'm a little lewd. It's fun and makes people laugh. Makes me feel wanted. I don't ogle people and think about how hot they are or how much I'd like to fuck them. Hell, I don't even know what's hot and what's not. I just go by what people say is hot.

I see a pair of tits and go, "Oh, you're naked. Okay." I see a flat chest and go, "You got a little bit of hair there, but good job on keeping healthy." Muscles? Nah, not really interested. No muscles? Still not interested. Fat? Nope. Skinny? Nada.

I masturbate, and it's fun, but it's boring too. Porn? Yeah sure, why not? Exciting? No, not really. I get more turned on by a girl cracking jokes and making light of it than I do by a girl getting rammed up the ass by a stiff dick.

I'm bored with life. I'm bored with work. I'm bored with everything. The highlight of my life is a fucking anime convention. Why? Because I get to dress up as someone completely different and pretend that everyone else understands. That I'm actually part of something because everyone else is doing the same thing, so they're just like me. I'm home there because everyone else is home there too.

I felt so shallow writing that. Gods, I feel like one of the freaking sheep.

I just want to belong to something. I want to belong.

And I just don't. Not here, not anywhere. I hate it. Even with friends I don't belong. I don't think they see it, but I don't try to be there as much anymore. Oh, they notice something, but they don't realize that I feel so out of sorts with them.

It used to be simple. Now I don't know how to act, how to be. They still expect me to be the same T_S, even as they change. They expect me to be the same, and I'm not. But it's terrible because I expect them to be the same too. Even though I know they're not.

We're drifting apart. We don't want to, we want to keep remaining together because we remember how we were. We were so wonderful together. We've had so many experiences apart though, that it's even harder to stay a single group. Rachel and Lizz have branched off into a College group and a Home group. Josh hardly even has a Home group anymore, since his dad moved. And now I've got my Work group and my Home group. We try to incorporate our separate groups together, but there's too many people and there's bound to be some clashing. We're like a whole bunch of pieces to a whole bunch of little puzzles.

On one side we fit into one puzzle, and then fit into another when flipped. But then we try to make each other fit into the other puzzles when flipped and it still kind of works, but it's not perfect and there are a few little holes around the edges where we're supposed to fit.

It's stupid and horrible, and I hate it.

I wish things were normal again.

I hate this.

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[icon] Randomness From Beyond
View:Recent Entries.
View:Website (My Youtube Home).
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